Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast · Michael & Amy

5 Reasons Traditional Marriage Counselling Doesn't Work. And What To Do Instead

February 18, 2025·24 min·2 clips

A couple spent $12,000 on marriage counseling and ended up worse—here's why traditional approaches often fail.

Michael and Amy, a couple and relationship coaches, critique traditional marriage counseling from their holistic coaching perspective. They argue that conventional therapy often fails to create lasting change for many couples. The hosts base their views on client experiences, including a couple who spent over $12,000 on two years of counseling with negative results. Their first point is that traditional counseling focuses excessively on surface-level talking without providing actionable steps for change at home. They claim therapy often creates a temporary "safety net" in sessions that disappears outside the office. The second reason cites a lack of focus on the root causes of behaviors, like core wounds or unmet needs such as trust or respect. Amy shares a personal example, describing how her childhood experience of a controlling mother led to her own micromanaging behaviors in her marriage. Michael explains how Amy's control triggered his own wound of feeling inadequate, demonstrating how surface arguments mask deeper triggers. The third reason is that traditional models assume both partners are equally ready for change, which often isn't the case. They note one partner, frequently the woman, can become the sole pursuer of healing, potentially making the other feel ganged up on. Their alternative approach involves working initially with the more engaged partner to encourage the other's buy-in. The fourth criticism is that counseling dwells too much on past hurts and resentments, which can retraumatize couples. They emphasize the importance of designing a desired future to foster hope. The final point is that traditional therapy lacks a structured framework for growth and embodiment. They advocate for methods like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), founded by Sue Johnson, which is research-backed. They combine EFT with breathwork and nervous system regulation for a "multi-faceted" approach. The hosts mention the Gottman Method as useful for simple behavioral changes but insufficient for deeper connection issues. The tone is conversational and advisory, blending personal anecdotes with client stories and promotional elements for their own services. Listeners interested in alternative, action-oriented relationship coaching would find this episode relevant. Those who value or have had positive experiences with conventional psychotherapy might disagree with its critical stance.

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