The Divorcing Religion Podcast · Janice Selbie

S&P Podcast: Detra Denise - Ashes and Embers: How Detra Denise Turned Pain into Power PART 2

·58 min·5 clips

Detra's Humans of New York feature sparked tens of thousands of comments and blew her Instagram from 375 to over 12,000 followers.

This episode of the Sex and Power podcast features host Janice Selby in conversation with returning guest Detra Denise, a former pastor's wife who left a toxic marriage and rebuilt her life in New York City. Detra begins by discussing her feature on Brandon Stanton's Humans of New York, which led to tens of thousands of comments, thousands of private messages, and her Instagram followers growing from 375 to over 12,000. She notes the overwhelming positivity, with only three negative messages, and how sharing her story has inspired others, particularly women, to make changes in their own lives. Detra recounts how men from her past, including seven pastors, reached out privately to support her. She shares a touching moment where a man told her she was now 'mothering thousands' after she responded to his story of religious trauma. The conversation shifts to Detra's move to New York during the COVID-19 pandemic, where she found community at the Harlem Cigar Room. She describes how a group of men there offered her protection, which she saw as a divine answer to a prayer for safety that would comfort her son, a federal agent. Detra reflects on learning to set boundaries, such as not engaging with every street vendor, and how the Harlem men taught her to stand up for herself. She discusses pivotal moments in her marriage, including a motorcycle ride for childhood sexual assault survivors where she took agency by refusing to fix her husband's bad mood. Detra explains that this ride led to her husband's 'beast'—a term he used for his fear, selfishness, pride, jealousy, and anger—becoming worse, and she left a year and a half later. She shares a private story of a stranger in a hotel lobby delivering a message she believes was from God, affirming her decision to leave and telling her the battle was now His. Detra talks about performing her one-woman musical show and how the male musicians supported her, helping her learn to lead and take charge. She emphasizes the healing power of storytelling and music, and how she has learned to embrace her personal jurisdiction and set boundaries. The episode concludes with Detra's reflections on resilience, faith, and continuing to grow after oppression.

As heard by us

A clear-eyed liberation story with lived detail and a little drag in the pacing.

Deitra Denise's story centers on what it costs to leave a toxic marriage and try to build something steadier afterward. Janice Selby keeps the focus on liberation, and the most vivid details are practical ones: the move to New York City, the visibility that came with Humans of…

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Why you'd press play

Hear a former pastor's wife describe moving from oppression to liberation.

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