The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast · Kate Anthony, CPCC

Episode 320: The Black Hole of High Conflict with Brook Olsen

·45 min·4 clips

Brooke reveals why disengaging from high conflict makes things harder before they get easier.

This episode features host Kate Anthony and guest Brooke Olson, a certified parenting educator and divorce coach specializing in high-conflict dynamics. They discuss Olson's framework for disengaging from high-conflict co-parenting situations, which she details in her book "The Black Hole of High Conflict." Olson emphasizes focusing on behaviors rather than labels and shifting from a victim mindset to personal agency. She argues that courts and government agencies are not solutions, and the key is creating boundaries, reducing communication, and making interactions child-centric. The process involves a "laddering" of disengagement, where withdrawing often escalates the other party's attempts to re-engage. A core insight is that high-conflict dynamics require two participants, and disengagement removes the fuel. Olson explains that boundary-setting is difficult, especially for people-pleasers, and requires tolerating nervous system activation. She connects many reactions to childhood trauma and uses somatic awareness to help clients distinguish past triggers from present realities. Olson describes a competency model moving from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence, similar to learning to drive. She advocates for parallel parenting as a "do no harm," child-focused model that limits interaction to health, education, and welfare. The conversation notes that disengagement can expose the high-conflict behavior organically, comparing the strategy to Aikido, using the other's energy against them. Both hosts share personal divorce experiences, with Anthony noting her initial attempt at friendly co-parenting failed due to a lack of boundaries and individuation. They agree parallel parenting for at least two years allows for necessary separation and healing before considering any renewed friendship with an ex. The tone is educational and conversational, blending personal anecdotes with practical coaching advice. It is supportive but direct, stressing the necessity of active work over passive consumption of information. Listeners navigating high-conflict separations and seeking concrete strategies for disengagement would find this valuable. Those in amicable splits or seeking legal tactics might find less relevance, as the focus is on personal behavior change and emotional regulation.

As heard by us

A grounded look at high-conflict divorce, boundaries, and child-centered communication.

This episode treats high-conflict divorce as a process that can get worse when courts, child protective services, and similar agencies become the main stage.

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Why you'd press play

When co-parenting feels like a trap, this gives you a steadier way through.

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