LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships · Shari Jonas - Parenting Consultant, Educator and Author

#53: The Secret to Learning How to Help Your Unmotivated, Unhappy and Withdrawn Adult Child

·1 hr 7 min·4 clips

Ollie went from invisible and failing to asking to be the school photographer.

Shari Jonas opens by framing Launch for parents of older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to launch independently into adulthood. She draws a line between all adult children and the young adults who can live responsible, productive, purposeful lives. They often just need guidance, patience, and wisdom to get there. The episode starts with the image of an adult child drifting through life with the lights turned off. Shari asks whether the real problem may be less laziness than a loss of spark, a loss of connection to themselves, and a loss of the inner drive that makes learning, growth, and independence feel possible. Julia Black joins to talk about what that shutdown can mean and how parents can help. Her work in Lights on Learning focuses on what happens when a young adult no longer feels interested in life and how to help them switch back on. She gives an example of a switched-off child finding one thing he was naturally good at. That small success helped him feel part of his school community. He even went to the head teacher and asked to be the school photographer at events. The shift from trying to disappear to wanting to take part helped turn his year around. The teachers, the head teacher, the parent, and Ollie all linked the change to that one boost in confidence, which helped him see how he could learn. Julia argues that the ownership of learning has to sit with the individual. Parents can support that process, but they cannot do the learning for their adult child. When a young adult is disengaged, she starts by trying to understand where they are and what it feels like to be them. She says parent-child communication can break down because the experience is painful on both sides. The useful clues are often in the language the young adult uses. Phrases like it feels pointless or why bother tell a parent that the child is shut down and struggling, not simply refusing to try. From there, the work is to look for anything they still love to do. That gives parents a practical place to begin without trying to force motivation from the outside.

As heard by us

A clear, practical look at what parents can notice when a young adult seems shut down.

Shari Jonas centers the episode on a familiar worry: adult children who seem flat, disconnected, and stuck. Julia Black's point is not that they are lazy, but that they may have lost some spark, connection to self, and drive.

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Why you'd press play

Listen when your adult child seems capable, but completely switched off.

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