Cat Noir Comedy Podcast · Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders

Bagpipes of Doom

May 12, 2025·31 min·5 clips

The episode opens with a train carriage argument that starts small and becomes instantly petty. Two passengers trade apologies, accusations, and complaints about sitting too close. Breathing turns into a problem, then a joke, then a matter of survival. One of them throws out a ridiculous warning about gills and death, and the other keeps treating it like bad science. A third passenger is revealed between them and wonders why he has been stuck in the middle of an apparently empty carriage. The mood then cuts to a remote forest in Scotland, where an online guy is being mocked for sounding like a tit. He has been making money by wandering through forests, which does not do much for his dignity. The others needle him anyway once he reveals that he found a mysterious military camp on Google Maps. He has pitched his tent a few minutes' walk from the fence and plans to cut through and video what is inside. The narration keeps his plan moving with the confidence of somebody who should absolutely not be trusted. A run of deadpan interruptions keeps breaking the seriousness of the scouting mission. Tea, toilets, and empty cans briefly become more urgent than espionage. Then the sinister sound of bagpipes arrives through the mist. Someone mishears the instrument name, and the correction lands harder than the original line. A shape approaches, and relief turns quickly into panic. The figure is large, muscular, and dressed for Scotland in a way that nobody can process calmly. The kilt becomes another target for literal-minded corrections, while the script keeps sprinting toward the fence. By the end, the scene has become a frantic retreat, with the cast still arguing about what they have seen and what any of it means. The closing stretch folds in a fake-life coda about job interviews, PE teaching, and a possible move to the Scottish Tourist Board. The episode finally lands on a neat piece of nonsense about being a character in a podcast comedy show, then signs off and promises to return in four weeks.

As heard by us

A train squabble turns into Scottish nonsense and keeps escalating.

Bagpipes of Doom starts on a cramped train and keeps tightening the pressure as the two seatmates argue over apologies, breathing, and whether the BBC has verified anything at all before the story swings into a forest hunt for a military camp.

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Why you'd press play

When a train argument on the Manchester Piccadilly to London line slides into a bagpipe-blown military camp caper in Scotland.

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