2/9/26. David Brooks "How to Know a Person"

·49 min·4 clips

David Brooks steps away from The New York Times to discuss his book on the epidemic of disconnect in modern society.

The episode is a replay of an interview from 2023 between host Greg Berg and author David Brooks, focusing on Brooks's book 'How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.' Brooks begins by explaining the human need for recognition, referencing the 'still face experiment' with babies and Ralph Ellison's 'Invisible Man.' He highlights alarming statistics on loneliness and disconnect in modern society. Brooks shares anecdotes to illustrate deep seeing, such as a woman with a brain injury who needed someone to sit with her on the floor and a father's compassionate response to his drunk daughter. He discusses the importance of conversation skills, advising against 'topping' stories and encouraging narrative questions. The interview delves into the structure of the book, which is divided into sections on basic social skills, graduate-level skills for a troubled society, and seeing strengths. Brooks talks about his friend Pete's depression and his own learning curve in offering support, emphasizing presence over words. He explores the crisis of connection, linking it to a decline in moral formation in schools post-World War II, where skills like hosting dinners or breaking up kindly were no longer taught. Brooks connects loneliness to rising meanness, citing increased hate crimes and decreased charity. He differentiates between being nice and kind, with kindness involving honest feedback. The conversation touches on how people can be loved but not known, as in Vivian Gornick's memoir, and the need to update perceptions in long-term relationships. Brooks emphasizes the power of attention, sharing a story of a pastor who transformed a 93-year-old woman with his gaze. He explains concepts like accompaniment, where one supports without taking over, and excavation conversations that explore personal histories. The episode concludes with Brooks discussing life tasks based on developmental psychology and his own stage between career consolidation and generativity.

As heard by us

A thoughtful conversation about attention, presence, and the kind of honest response that helps connection take root.

Gregory Berg's replayed conversation with David Brooks looks at the gaps that can remain even between people who know each other well. Brooks treats kindness less as polished warmth than as the work of noticing what another person actually needs, including the quiet value of…

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Want to replace automatic niceness with the attention a person may actually need?

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