Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Partners — and How to Change It

·1 hr 5 min·5 clips

Adam Lane Smith explains why the mental health system dismisses adult attachment issues, forcing him to drop his license to teach it globally.

The episode begins with host Ian Dawson Mackay introducing Adam Lane Smith as an attachment specialist, retired licensed psychotherapist, and bestselling novelist with experience in clinical and correctional mental health, including treating death penalty inmates. Smith shares his personal journey of fixing his own attachment issues before it was a recognized field, leading him to pursue a master's in psychology and licensure. He describes encountering resistance from the mental health establishment, which dismissed adult attachment theory, prompting him to drop his license to teach attachment internationally. Smith defines attachment as the ability to connect and give/receive love, formed in childhood through how caregivers meet needs, leading to foundational beliefs about self-worth and others. He outlines the three attachment styles: anxious (feeling unlovable, seeking approval), avoidant (distrusting others, managing people), and disorganized (a chaotic blend). The discussion explores how these styles play out in modern dating, with anxious and avoidant partners attracting each other in cycles of chasing and withdrawal, often leading to affairs and relationship failure after 6-12 months. Smith explains the role of oxytocin, a bonding hormone deficient in those with poor attachment, which can create addiction to manipulative partners who love-bomb initially. He advises filling up on oxytocin through secure friendships before dating to avoid picking 'junk food' partners. Practical steps include identifying core values, joining community groups like church men's groups or classes, and having structured 'I'm an anxious person' conversations to build trust. Smith shares a story of his friend Andre's terror in opening up to a friend, illustrating the childlike fear of abandonment. He emphasizes hiring a coach for guidance, similar to an athlete needing a trainer. For men struggling with vulnerability, Smith recommends a solution-focused approach: alerting the person, stating the problem, and asking for specific feedback to bond through solving challenges together, releasing vasopressin. Addressing guilt over past mistakes, Smith draws from his work with death penalty inmates, advising making 'living amends' by helping others to transform the pain into purpose. He critiques pickup artistry and hedonistic pursuits as simulation without real connection. To find true love, Smith suggests treating dating like co-founding a business, evaluating partners for honesty and shared values early on. He concludes by emphasizing that change is possible at any age, sharing he has worked with clients in their 70s, and encourages listeners to reach out via his website or social media.

As heard by us

A grounded look at attachment, love bombing, and the pull of familiar relationship patterns.

Choosing the wrong partner becomes less a matter of taste than attachment chemistry in this episode of The Next Level Guy Show. Adam Lane Smith connects painful romantic patterns to security, trust, bonding, and the old wounds people may still be trying to repair.

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Why you'd press play

If intense chemistry keeps steering you toward painful partners, you may want a clearer map of the pattern.

Read the full recommendation in PlayNext →

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