The Fifth Column · Kmele Foster, Michael Moynihan, and Matt Welch

Halfwits, Knuckle Draggers, and Droolers (Members Only #313)

April 7, 2026·20 min·1 clip

Moynihan describes a date where a woman walked out crying mid-appetizer, then returned—and he ended up converting the disaster into a successful evening.

It begins off the rails. Colin B., Michael Moynihan, conspiracy bait, and a proposed Helen Keller theory are already in the room before anyone grabs the wheel. Trump clips give them the excuse. One host wants the bit to feel like a real TV show, with Letterman-style cards, a pencil, and a Mark Harmon invocation. The bit keeps slipping its leash. The first Trump visual gets treated as the greatest David Lynch visual imaginable, which is about as steady as things get. Then the email arrives. Chris S. writes under a Slava Ukraina subject line after a date with a Russian woman who starts praising Putin's logic. Solemnity does not survive contact. Zelensky as clown, NATO encirclement, and Ukrainians as Russians become less like date opinions than flirting with a live wire. The advice is compromised in exactly the right way. Do not channel Michael, they say, unless channeling Michael means lying smoothly enough to keep the night moving. Maidan is the danger word. The joke works because the argument is intellectually loaded and romantically useless at the same time. Chicago gets dragged in from the name alone. Russia turns into a prison metaphor. Conjugal visits, deportation riffs, and whether Chris dodged anything all stack up before anyone can rule on them. The close gets even messier: a New York Post editorial, subscriber-only backstage chatter, and a Mr. T-style pay-up routine.

As heard by us

A rowdy Fifth Column mailbag turns Trump clips, conspiracy talk, and Ukraine politics into fast, profane argument.

The Fifth Column turns a members mailbag into a loose, profane run through Trump clips, conspiracy talk, and the way foreign policy arguments can crash a date.

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Why you'd press play

One host calls a Trump clip the greatest David Lynch visual he's ever seen, and he's not wrong.

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