The Trap: Part 1

May 19, 2025·1 hr 2 min·5 clips

Sandra describes how her boyfriend grabbed her by the throat and threw her into an elevator on their cruise.

Sandra is a licensed counselor who met Jacob, an EMT and firefighter, at a crisis center in 2019 where both worked in healthcare roles. They built a friendship over 18 months during COVID, bonding over intense shared work experiences when others were isolated at home. Jacob portrayed himself as recently divorced with debt from an ex-wife and a failed relationship where a woman never moved into a house he rented for them. Sandra had been widowed since 2009 after her husband died by suicide and was intentionally dating to find a serious partner after focusing on school and career. Jacob worked two full-time jobs—one at the crisis center, another at a small-town fire department four hours north—and Sandra frequently traveled with him, meeting his adult children, parents, and the fire department community. He communicated wanting to build a foundation before sex, took their relationship slowly, and discussed marriage and buying houses together. A coworker warned Sandra via Facebook that Jacob was using women for money and leading multiple people on, but he had already primed her not to believe this woman by claiming she had pursued him inappropriately. Sandra isolated herself from friends to protect the relationship after this incident. After 18 months together, Sandra loaned Jacob money with a written agreement and payment plan to help clear his debt, which he paid consistently for months before requesting more to eliminate all payments and interest. She put his name on her house deed after consulting accountants together about tax benefits of marriage and homeownership, believing they were building a shared future. One week later, she found concert tickets to Alabama in his car when he claimed to be on a business trip to Indiana, marking the first major betrayal. He explained the Alabama woman was just a struggling friend he wanted to cheer up, and Sandra gave him a second chance. Months later, on another supposed Indiana trip, Sandra received early morning texts from his ex-fiancée and recognized Pensacola airport in a photo he sent, realizing he was near the Alabama woman or another former affair partner in Florida. She contacted the ex-fiancée's husband, a local police officer, only to discover they were still married and had been throughout Jacob's relationship with Sandra—his entire backstory about being divorced was fabricated. The officer revealed he didn't know about any prior relationship and that Jacob had been obsessed with his wife for years, while the wife called Jacob screaming that Sandra had ruined their lives. The conversation is candid and raw, with Sandra reflecting on how Jacob tested her boundaries and practiced manipulation. She recognizes sunk cost fallacy kept her invested after the first lie, especially having loaned approximately $100,000 and added him to her house deed. The hosts provide supportive interjections and explain manipulation patterns like love-bombing and isolation tactics without being preachy. Sandra's story illustrates slow-build abusive relationship development through financial exploitation, strategic lying, and credibility-building through healthcare professions and family integration. This is Part 1 of a two-part episode on The Dating Detectives podcast, which includes content warnings for emotional, physical, sexual, and financial abuse.

As heard by us

A relationship story that begins softly and turns steadily alarming.

The episode tracks a relationship that begins in comfort and commitment, then grows more uneasy as money, bills, and future plans come into focus.

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Why you'd press play

Press play if you want a slow-burn relationship story that keeps tightening.

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