System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociative Disorders

Not the Price, Chapter 7, Part 1

·27 min·2 clips

Emma reveals how paying a price in damaged relationships stems from being raised by anxiety-provoking attachment figures.

This episode is part one of a discussion on Chapter 7 of Laura Brown's book 'Not the Price of Admission'. Emma, the host diagnosed with complex trauma and a dissociative disorder, frames the chapter's premise: if you find yourself in disrespectful relationships or repeatedly violating your own boundaries, you are paying a price for inadequate childhood attachment. She emphasizes that this is not the listener's fault, but the solution lies in changing internal patterns. Emma contrasts early recovery, where people focus on others, with deeper recovery focused on the self. A key teaching from Brown is that we cannot control or change other people's behavior; we can only control how we treat ourselves. Healing involves recognizing that how we treat ourselves echoes how we were treated as children. The episode introduces the concept of developing new emotional capacities, like mindfulness and compassion, which were not learned in childhood. Emma links mindfulness to breathing and secure attachment experiences, referencing Christine Forner's concept of 'secure fullness'. She shares a personal connection from a DVR training, explaining how complex trauma impacts the vestibular system, affecting balance and spatial orientation. Emma, as an Indigenous person, relates this to her practice of orienting to the cardinal directions. The discussion defines mindfulness as observing thoughts and feelings without judgment, which is the beginning of compassion. Emma explains that self-hatred and shame are 'echoes' from 'memory time'—internalized abusive patterns—and not reflections of present reality. She applies the drama triangle (persecutor, victim, rescuer) to internal dynamics, where self-criticism makes the self the victim. Compassion is distinguished from pity, which carries judgment. Self-compassion involves noticing oneself without judgment, which allows for behavioral choice and liberation from re-enacting past trauma. Emma states therapy helps prevent enactments from becoming re-enactments. She gives a personal example about podcasting, where questioning if her work is 'good enough' is a red flag of trauma making her feel smaller. Safety is reiterated as a prerequisite for this work. Compassion does not excuse harmful behavior; ethical standards remain. Emma discusses learning curves, using examples from parenting and podcast boundaries, stressing that shame leads to isolation, while compassion allows asking for help. The episode concludes with Brown's suggestion to ask 'What could I have done differently?' with a gentle smile, practicing 'opposite action' from DBT to counter shame.

As heard by us

A careful look at how self-compassion can interrupt old judgments turned inward.

Chapter seven of Not the Price of Admission turns toward the cost of absorbing judgment inside close relationships. Using Laura Brown's distinction between pity and compassion, it follows the drama triangle inward, where pain can start to feel like rejection, inadequacy, or…

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Why you'd press play

When close relationships start sounding like evidence against you, press play for a kinder way to notice the pattern without turning it into a verdict.

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