How To! | Update: Losing Your ‘Virginity’ at 43

·46 min·4 clips

Elizabeth, a 43-year-old former Mormon, finally figured out how to have sex for the first time.

The episode begins with hosts Carvel Wallace and Courtney Martin introducing an update from a previous listener, Elizabeth. Elizabeth originally wrote in as a 43-year-old virgin who had recently left the Mormon church. She returns to share her progress. Elizabeth explains she took advice from a previous guest, Nicole Hardy, about finding someone to have fun with and communicate openly. She explored non-monogamy, ultimately entering a relationship with a married man in an open marriage. Elizabeth describes how she disclosed her virginity over text to this partner, who responded supportively. She recounts her first sexual experience, noting it was positive but not the life-altering event she expected. She experienced a moment of panic the next day, a residual feeling from her religious upbringing, but worked through it with friends. Elizabeth expresses grief over missing years of sexual experience but feels she has moved on from her religious ties. She offers advice to others, emphasizing finding a comfortable partner and not overthinking it, illustrated by a story of getting a charley horse during sex. The episode then transitions to a mailbag segment. The hosts discuss the high listener response to a past episode, "How to Start Reading Books," which featured a dyslexic listener named Kate who lost her ability to read after a traumatic event. They play listener advice, including using Reddit for book recommendations, consulting librarians as "book sommeliers," and using Kindle Unlimited to sample books. Carvel and Courtney debate the merits of finishing books you dislike. The episode briefly touches on listener feedback about a previous "revenge" episode, with mixed reactions. Finally, supervising producer Joel Meyer joins for a pitch meeting on potential future episodes, including how to sing, how to deliver a baby, how to read Frankenstein, how to win in Vegas, how to talk to contractors, and how to escape prison or join the circus. The episode ends with a promo for another Slate podcast.

As heard by us

Elizabeth's update becomes a careful conversation about courage, intentionality, and change that resists a tidy verdict.

The episode returns to Elizabeth, the listener from How To!'s "How to Lose Your Virginity at 43," after an emailed update brings her back into conversation with Courtney Martin.

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