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No Such Thing As Captain Crossword

January 15, 2026·54 min·5 clips

Noel Coward, the flamboyant playwright, was on a Nazi death list because he was secretly a British spy.

This episode of No Such Thing As A Fish features hosts Dan Schreiber, James Harkin, and Andrew Hunter Murray alongside comedian and guest Tom Allen. Tom Allen discusses his new gardening podcast, Pottering with Tom Allen, where celebrities like Nish Kumar and James Acaster visit his garden. The first fact reveals that playwright Noel Coward was on a Nazi arrest list of 2,820 Britons because he was secretly a British spy. Coward's satirical song "Don't Let's Be Beastly to the Germans" was banned by the BBC during World War II. He was recruited for intelligence work by Sir Robin Van Sittart to gather "soft intelligence" on European social moods. Coward faced public shaming from newspapers like the Daily Mail for his perceived lavish lifestyle while on duty. He served briefly in World War I with the Artist's Rifles but was discharged for neurasthenia. His mother consulted a medium, Anna Eva Fay, who advised that young Noel should pursue acting. Coward wrote nine plays in the summer of 1935 and composed the song "I'll See You Again" while stuck in traffic. He later became a tax exile, earning the equivalent of £15 million per year in the late 1920s. Coward once hitchhiked on Royal Navy ships, telling a captain he needed to be "nursed back to health." He lived next door to Ian Fleming in Jamaica and was allegedly offered the role of Dr. No. A surprising insight is that Coward's gossipy nature made him the "Giles Brandreth of his day," with anecdotes like Coco Chanel entering an air raid shelter followed by a maid carrying a gas mask on a cushion. The hosts note the irony that Coward, who benefited from spiritualist advice, later satirized spiritualism in his play "Blithe Spirit." Tom Allen connects Coward's creative process to Elton John's, as both describe songs as arriving to them rather than being written. The fact about Alan Titchmarsh reveals that North Korean television censors his jeans because they are a symbol of America. Titchmarsh was a runner-up for the 1998 Literary Review Bad Sex Award for a scene involving "moist, hot kisses" and "liquid noises." The episode also covers the 18th-century trend of wealthy landowners hiring ornamental hermits to live in their gardens under strict contracts. The tone is conversational and humorous, filled with witty banter and playful interruptions between the hosts and guest. The style is educational but lighthearted, weaving historical facts with personal anecdotes and comedic tangents. Listeners who enjoy British comedy, obscure historical trivia, and lively panel discussions will love this episode. Those seeking a strictly serious or single-topic narrative might find the frequent digressions less engaging.

As heard by us

Tom Allen brings garden chat, karaoke, censored trousers, and racy novels to a pleasantly wandering Fish episode.

The episode makes the most of Tom Allen, framing him as a flanner, a man about town, a gardener, and a podcaster with a new show called Pottering with Tom Allen.

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Why you'd press play

You want Tom Allen, gardening chat, and Alan Titchmarsh's censored trousers in North Korea.

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