Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships · Multiamory | Pleasure Podcasts

557 - Is Sexual Rejection Hurting Your Relationships?

·51 min·3 clips

The Gottman lens frames sexual initiation as a bid for connection, not just a request for sex.

1. Multiamory episode 557 focuses on sexual rejection, the “mid-no,” and what happens when desire changes during flirting, foreplay, or long-term relationships. 2. Jace, Emily, and Dedeker host the discussion, and Dedeker references co-leading a women’s sexuality workshop in 2018 that shaped part of the conversation. 3. The episode asks how couples can give and receive no’s without turning sex into pressure, resentment, or obligation. 4. The hosts describe a workshop conversation where many women who have sex with men said they were taught that if a partner has an erection, they must continue. 5. They keep returning to the reassurance that “your partner is going to be okay,” whether the answer is no, a change of mind, or a pause. 6. They describe the common pattern of one partner repeatedly initiating sex while the other feels pressured, guilty, or increasingly unwilling to engage. 7. The hosts note that this pattern can produce resentment over time and can make both people stop talking about sex altogether. 8. They contrast the chemistry of a hookup rejection with the more common, and more taboo, rejection that happens inside ongoing relationships. 9. The discussion says living together can blur the line between ordinary time and “special sexy night” time, especially when date nights are not created on purpose. 10. They also note that even non-cohabiting couples can lose sexual momentum, so the issue is not limited to people who share a home. 11. The Gottman framework of bids for connection becomes a major lens, with sex treated as a bid that can be turned toward or away from. 12. The hosts say a no can be received with gratitude and care, or with anger, pouting, or “okay, fine, whatever,” and that reaction matters. 13. They connect harsh rejection and defensive responses to the Gottman concept of defensiveness and to the feeling that honesty is no longer safe. 14. Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are is used to explain sexual excitation and inhibition as a gas pedal and a brake operating at the same time. 15. The brake examples named in the episode include stress, fatigue, anxiety, body image concerns, performance anxiety, unresolved conflict, and even chores or a dirty house. 16. The hosts also discuss spontaneous desire and responsive desire, noting that desire can appear after cuddling, kissing, or skin contact rather than before. 17. They say the episode’s tone is conversational and reflective, with the three hosts responding to each other’s examples and personal experiences. 18. The format mixes practical frameworks, cited authors such as Gottman, Emily Nagoski, Lisa Eliason, and Esther Perel, and direct personal examples from the hosts. 19. People navigating mismatched desire, recurring rejection, or sexual pressure in long-term relationships will get the most from this episode. 20. Listeners looking for a simple dating story with no relationship analysis may skip it.

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