Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships · Multiamory | Pleasure Podcasts

550 - We Still Play Medieval Dating Games

·59 min·1 clip

Love cannot exert its powers between two people who are married to each other. Lovers give each other everything freely under no compulsion.

This episode of the Multiamory Podcast features hosts Jace, Emily, and Dedeker in conversation with Professor Annalisa Castaldo, an expert in medieval literature and human sexuality. They dissect "The Art of Courtly Love," a 12th-century manuscript written by Andreas Capellanus. Professor Castaldo explains the text emerged from the courts of powerful women like Eleanor of Aquitaine during a period of relative peace in Europe. The manuscript outlines elaborate rules for romantic pursuit, positioning men as active wooers who must earn a woman's affection through suffering and self-improvement. It explicitly states love cannot exist between married people, as marriage was viewed as a contractual obligation, not a free choice. The text provides scripted dialogues for men to approach women of different social classes, with advice ranging from logical persuasion to outright force for peasant women. A memorable case study involves a knight who successfully sued a married woman in a "court of love" to become her lover, citing the rule against marital love. The hosts connect these medieval concepts to modern dating tropes, like playing hard to get, using jealousy as a proof of love, and the "makeover" trope where a man improves himself for a woman. They note the manuscript's advice to limit contact and maintain secrecy to prolong obsessive, NRE-style passion. A surprising insight is the text's preference for pursuing married or widowed women over virgins, contradicting later purity culture ideals. The conversation highlights how modern dating often unconsciously replicates these 900-year-old patterns of pursuit, gatekeeping, and class-based attraction. The tone is educational and conversational, blending historical analysis with contemporary relationship critique. Listeners interested in the historical roots of romance norms and critiques of traditional dating scripts will find this episode fascinating. Those seeking practical relationship advice or disinterested in literary history might find it less engaging.

As heard by us

A 12th-century detour that ties courtly love to modern dating habits and makes a solid case for honesty.

Multiamory goes back to the 12th century with Professor Annalisa Castaldo and uses courtly love to frame a familiar modern pattern: putting a partner on a pedestal rarely ends well.

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Want a medieval lens on your modern dating habits?

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