Minimalist Moms Podcast | Purposeful Life & Parenting Tips · Diane Boden

Why We Get Triggered - And How to Stay Connected in Conflict | Dr. Kelly Flanagan (Bonus Episode)

·29 min·2 clips

Dr. Kelly Flanagan broke his collarbone after getting triggered by his wife's mistake, revealing how inner reactions cause suffering.

This bonus episode of the Minimalist Moms Podcast features host Diane Boden in conversation with clinical psychologist and author Dr. Kelly Flanagan. They explore the psychological mechanics of being "triggered" in close relationships and how to maintain connection during conflict. Dr. Flanagan explains that conflict often shifts us from a "connection mode" into a "protection mode," where our capacity for healthy communication shuts down. He introduces the nervous-system-based concept of "regulate, then relate," emphasizing the need to calm oneself before attempting to reconnect. The discussion is grounded in Dr. Flanagan's personal story of a difficult, triggered year during 2020, which culminated in a biking accident after he became angry about a backyard pool mishap. He shares a pivotal quote from Michael Singer's "The Untethered Soul": "Do not let anything in life be important enough that you're willing to close your heart over it." Dr. Flanagan argues that our suffering stems more from our inner reactions than our outer circumstances, leading to his New Year's resolution to notice and try to open his heart when it begins to close. He clarifies that common communication tools often fail in triggered moments because people temporarily lose access to them. A key insight is that we often get most triggered by our closest relationships because we bring deep, primal attachment needs to them that we don't bring to others. Dr. Flanagan advises against trying to eliminate defensiveness, instead encouraging listeners to "watch it instead of wield it" and to be kind to their own closed heart. He suggests that confessing when you feel your heart closing can be a powerful hack for restoring connection and vulnerability. The process involves self-inquiry, shifting from asking "what's wrong with me?" to "what happened to me?" to understand the story behind the reaction. Dr. Flanagan shares a touching moment a year into his practice, where his 12-year-old daughter noted his newfound calm during a stressful family trip to Mexico. He concludes that by regulating our own nervous systems, we become a calmer environment for those around us, influencing them through embodiment rather than instruction. The episode is conversational and educational, blending personal storytelling with accessible psychological concepts. Listeners interested in emotional regulation, mindful parenting, or improving marital communication will find immense value, while those seeking purely tactical minimalist tips may find the content less directly applicable.

As heard by us

A calm look at why love can make conflict hit harder.

The episode returns to a familiar but useful question: why the people closest to someone can bring out the sharpest reactions, especially after a day spent performing and keeping the surface intact.

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Why you'd press play

When the people closest to you bring out your sharpest reactions, this helps you slow the moment down.

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