Hello From The Magic Tavern · Arnie Niekamp

Season 5, Ep 87 - Talking Crossbow Now (w/ Colton Dunn)

February 9, 2026·53 min·5 clips

DeMonte admits spending $100,000 gold on a drawing that's just a line on paper for his juice business.

A crossbow enters with opinions. The wizard tries to settle things by swearing on the goddesses that he arrived fully formed for goodness, righteousness, birds, rain, wind, and fire. The room does not quite buy it. His huge origin story gets treated like something said over drinks, which means everyone wants proof and somehow hats become part of the case. There are multiple copies of the wizard's hat, including a tiny one made for the crossbow. The crossbow remains unimpressed. It dares the wizard to conjure something, which is a terrible prompt in this tavern. The spell works, sort of. A tiny zoo appears, and the miracle immediately turns into a list of chores. Those animals need food, hay, water, and training. Then the fix gets worse. Another spell seems to remove the water, and the others clock how grim that is right away. No one turns it into a noble moment. They just move to another part of the tavern, away from the sad zoo and whatever happens next. The crossbow keeps adding little noises and pushy energy, which keeps the scene loose and dumb in the right way. Then the conversation veers toward DeMonte's love life, which is not going great. Even that gets yanked back into the larger bit. The weapon, the wizard, and the tavern keep pulling the scene sideways until Colton Dunn's talking crossbow has done the whole Magic Tavern loop: challenge the lore, demand a spell, regret the spell, change seats.

As heard by us

A talking crossbow and a tiny zoo turn the tavern into escalating chaos.

This episode leans into a talking crossbow, a boastful wizard, and a spell that produces a tiny zoo, then keeps stretching the joke until the tavern feels packed to the rafters.

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Why you'd press play

Press play for a talking crossbow, a doubtful wizard, and a tavern scene that keeps tipping into absurdity.

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