How to Create Lasting Sexual Connections with Emily Nagoski

·52 min·5 clips

Emily Nagoski explains how writing her bestselling book 'Come As You Are' destroyed her own newlywed sex life.

Host Amanda Testa introduces Dr. Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and author of 'Come As You Are' and 'Burnout'. Nagoski's new book 'Come Together' focuses on the science and art of lasting sexual connections. She begins by acknowledging the ongoing difficulty of modern life, referencing the pandemic and current stresses. Nagoski shares that writing her first book destroyed her own sex life due to stress, leading her to research how couples sustain sexual connections. She introduces the concept of seven primary process emotions from affective neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp. These include three pleasure-adverse spaces: rage (fight), fear (flight), and panic/grief/sadness (freeze/flop/fawn). Nagoski explains she was stuck in the fear space during her book writing, where touch with her partner led to crying and sleep instead of arousal. She details the four pleasure-favorable spaces: lust, care, play, and seeking/exploration. Nagoski reveals that for her, the pathway to lust is through play and laughter, not care or seeking, which varies by individual. She emphasizes that desire is not the key to great sex; research on 'magnificent sex' shows play, authenticity, and connection matter more. The conversation shifts to practical applications: scheduling sex can work if you enjoy the sex available, and communication is essential. Nagoski addresses life transitions like perimenopause, illness, and caregiving, suggesting medical interventions like vaginal estradiol for discomfort. She defines 'normal sex' as any sex where everyone is glad to be there, free to leave, and experiences no unwanted pain. Body image issues are discussed, with Nagoski recommending a mirror exercise to rebuild self-love as bodies change. She notes that partners often still find each other attractive despite physical changes, and attraction is linked to shared positive experiences. Nagoski concludes by stressing that pleasure is a necessary fuel for relationships and resilience in difficult times. The episode ends with resources for listeners and a reminder to vote.

As heard by us

A warm, practical map of how play can help desire return to a long-term relationship.

This Find Your Feminine Fire episode treats sexual desire less as a switch than as a state the body may need help reaching. Amanda Testa's conversation with Dr.

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Why you'd press play

Want sex to feel less like a task? Emily Nagoski has a dog-play-bow detour worth taking.

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