Feeling Good Podcast | TEAM-CBT - The New Mood Therapy · David Burns, MD

Dating Part 3: Flirting Secrets, Safety, and More!

June 30, 2025·1 hr 21 min·5 clips

Angela approached three men at a bar by asking them to pretend to talk to her for just 30 seconds.

This episode features Dr. Rhonda Barovsky and Dr. David Burns alongside therapists Angela Crum and Lee Harrington, who specialize in applying TEAM-CBT to dating and social skills. Angela Crum shares her personal journey of learning flirting skills after a divorce, supported by a group of therapists using Dr. Burns's "Intimate Connections" as a guide. Lee Harrington describes taking clients with social anxiety into real-world settings, like asking a store clerk for toenail fungus treatment, to practice connecting with strangers. Angela defines flirting as "good social skills with just a little edge of fun and playful" to foster attraction. She details specific "opener" techniques to start conversations, such as asking open-ended questions, giving genuine compliments, or finding common ground with a stranger's clothing or interests. Another method is "talking to yourself" by commenting on a shared situation, like a long line, to invite a response. Angela recounts a successful, playful opener at a bar where she asked a group of men to "pretend to talk to me for like 30 seconds," using a "false time constraint" to reduce pressure. Lee emphasizes the importance of emotional safety and deepening connections through mutual, gradual sharing of personal thoughts and feelings. Angela introduces the concept of creating a personal "intimacy hierarchy" to categorize topics one is willing to share early versus those reserved for established trust. Both therapists discuss the need to pace a relationship and avoid overwhelming a new partner by sharing too deeply too quickly. Angela illustrates this with a story of a date who immediately "interviewed" her to be a mother to his child, which felt overwhelming. A key insight is that moving slowly and maintaining some intrigue can build attraction, as "people only want what they can't get." Angela shares how she consciously paced her courtship with her now-husband by initially limiting dates to once a week, turning it into a flirtatious game. The episode presents dating as a series of social experiments where one tests for compatibility and emotional safety through small, incremental steps. The tone is educational and conversational, blending personal anecdotes with structured therapeutic techniques. Listeners interested in practical social skills, overcoming shyness, or navigating early dating dynamics would find this valuable. Those seeking a purely theoretical discussion on relationships or who are uncomfortable with the idea of strategic social interaction might find it less appealing.

As heard by us

A steady, practical guide for judging whether dating feels safe enough to keep going.

The episode treats dating as something to test rather than assume. It keeps its eye on safety, disclosure, warmth, and the small signals that show whether two people should take another step.

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Why you'd press play

Use this when you want to read safety through small, real exchanges, not guesswork.

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