Doing Well: The Wellbeing Science Insights Podcast · Life Management Science Labs

Melissa Yoong: Regulating Yourself to Break Unhealthy Habits | Doing Well #64

·1 hr 10 min·5 clips

Discover how Dan Siegel's 'window of tolerance' explains why we feel anxious or low and how to return to calm.

This episode features host Lu Ngo and guest Melissa Yoong, a registered counselor and clinical member from Singapore, discussing self-regulation to break unhealthy habits. Melissa works with individuals facing depression, anxiety, psychosis, and trauma using an attachment-focused and trauma-informed approach. She entered the mental health field two decades ago to destigmatize it and support those struggling. Melissa defines well-being as a sense of groundedness, contentment, and alignment with personal values, involving compassionate relationships with oneself and others. She identifies common misconceptions, including the belief that well-being is a permanent state and that focusing on it is selfish. The conversation introduces Dan Siegel's concept of the "window of tolerance," describing optimal engagement versus hyper-arousal or hypo-arousal states. Self-regulation strategies are categorized into biological, psychological, social, and spiritual types, with examples like exercise, positive self-talk, and social connection. A key insight is that coping strategies are not inherently healthy or unhealthy but should be evaluated based on alignment with personal values. Melissa explains that emotions act as messengers indicating underlying needs, such as sadness signaling loss or anger indicating violated boundaries. She emphasizes that sustainable emotional regulation involves identifying these needs and taking corresponding action, like setting boundaries for anger. The host shares a personal example of using alcohol as a coping mechanism and the subsequent guilt, highlighting the learning process. Melissa stresses that self-regulation is a personalized skill requiring months or years of practice and refinement. She advocates for self-compassion over self-criticism, noting that internal attacks can exacerbate distress and hinder regulation. The discussion notes that immediate coping actions, like discharging anger through exercise, may not address core issues if boundaries are not later communicated. Melissa recommends Bessel van der Kolk's work on trauma and Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" for further insight. The tone is conversational and educational, blending personal anecdotes with psychological concepts. Listeners interested in practical psychology, habit change, or mental health fundamentals would appreciate this episode. Those seeking highly structured, step-by-step behavioral protocols might find the discussion too conceptual.

As heard by us

A calm, practical map for telling real regulation from plain old numbing.

This episode treats a familiar habit-change question with more care than usual: how to tell whether a coping move is actually regulating the body or just dulling discomfort.

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Why you'd press play

If your habits blur regulation and numbing, press play.

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