How To Find True Love & IRL Real Deal

·51 min·5 clips

Damona Hoffman explains why dating feels harder now than ever, blaming fairy tales and pandemic isolation.

["Damona Hoffman opens the episode by framing modern dating as harder due to fairy-tale expectations and post-pandemic social atrophy.", "She introduces guest Francesca Hoagie, a TED speaker and author of the new book 'How to Find True Love'.", "Francesca defines true love not as finding a perfect person but as co-creating a relationship with foundational values like unconditional love, respect, and adoration.", "She and Damona discuss moving beyond red flags to focus on positive, universal green flags in relationships.", "Francesca explains the 'fairy-tale industrial complex' as a system profiting from selling romantic love as a magical fantasy.", "She introduces her self-love formula with five elements: self-compassion, self-worth, self-validation, self-care, and self-gratitude.", "Francesca emphasizes self-compassion as the first step to interrupt shame and self-judgment.", "She describes self-worth as inherent from birth, using the example of a newborn baby's inherent deservingness.", "Damona and Francesca align on empowering individuals to take control of their dating destiny rather than feeling helpless.", "Francesca introduces the 'meet-cute mindset', the belief that every time you leave your house, you have the potential to meet someone.", "The conversation shifts to dating apps, with Francesca arguing they foster dependency due to misaligned incentives that prioritize user retention over successful matches.", "Damona acknowledges apps as a powerful tool but agrees people often use them against themselves.", "Francesca notes that dating app design has deteriorated over the past decade, reducing effort and intent compared to earlier platforms like Match.com.", "She suggests that for many communities, like queer or trans individuals in small towns, apps remain important, but others should diversify their approach.", "In the 'Dear Damona, Dear Franny' segment, they answer a listener question from Cheryl about feeling stuck on apps and not meeting people in real life.", "Francesca advises Cheryl to take a break from apps, refresh her approach, and practice flirting by making eye contact and giving compliments.", "She uses a thought exercise of a million-dollar reward for each real-life date to inspire motivation and boldness.", "Damona adds that people are often passive in waiting for connections and need to actively create conversations.", "Francesca concludes by encouraging listeners to focus on what they want in a partner rather than listing what they don't want.", "The episode ends with Damona promoting Francesca's book and teasing a future episode on intuitive love coaching."]

As heard by us

A dating reset that replaces fairy-tale thinking with plain talk about choice and agency.

Dates and Mates leans into the strain of modern dating, where every signal can feel overread and every swipe can leave people more worn down than hopeful.

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Why you'd press play

For when swiping has you tired and wondering why dating feels so hard.

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