Dateable: Your insider's look into modern dating and relationships

S22E9: How To Spot A Narcissist (And Not Give Them Your Time & Attention) w/ Dr. Alina Kastner

·51 min·5 clips

Narcissists won't get diagnosed because they're not the ones suffering—everyone around them is.

The episode begins with hosts Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick introducing the topic of narcissism in dating, noting how the term is often misused. They welcome Dr. Alina Kastner, a psychotherapist and author specializing in narcissistic abuse. Dr. Kastner starts by explaining a quote from her book: if it walks like a duck and talks like a swan, it's a narcissist, illustrating how narcissists deceive others. She defines narcissism as a spectrum, with narcissistic personality disorder requiring at least five of nine diagnostic criteria, such as grandiosity and lack of empathy. Dr. Kastner highlights that narcissists are exploitative, using people for their own gain. She discusses statistics, noting that only 0.5-6.2% of the US population is clinically diagnosable, but many more exhibit traits. A key insight is that narcissists rarely seek diagnosis because they don't suffer; their victims do. Dr. Kastner distinguishes between overt (grandiose) and covert (fragile) narcissists, with the latter being harder to spot. She emphasizes that all narcissistic relationships are abusive, primarily psychological, and that leaving is the only option due to the lack of empathy. Dr. Kastner shares her personal story of dating narcissists, calling them her 'biggest teachers.' She describes the trauma bond, comparing it to an addiction, with love-bombing followed by manipulation. Red flags include early boundary-pushing, inconsistency, and walking on eggshells. Healing requires zero contact, therapy, and working through feelings. Dr. Kastner advises checking for empathy in partners and using resources like her book. The episode concludes with a discussion on whether narcissism is curable and lighthearted ideas like a narcissist island.

As heard by us

Dateable turns a casually used label into a serious conversation about harm, shame, and leaving toxic relationships.

Dateable takes the familiar charge of "narcissist" and slows it down, asking what that label can hide as much as what it reveals. Yui Xu and Julie Krafchick are joined by Dr.

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Trying to tell the difference between a tossed-around label and a relationship that keeps eating at your self-worth?

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