BratBusters Parenting Podcast · Lisa Bunnage

The Difference Between Tantrums & Bad Behaviour: How to React in the Moment

·40 min·3 clips

Lisa reveals why ignoring a tantrum without connecting afterwards is worse than giving attention during it.

This episode of the BratBusters Parenting Podcast focuses on distinguishing tantrums from bad behavior and providing specific reaction strategies. Hosts Lisa Bunnage, a parenting coach and grandmother, and her daughter Amy Bunnage, the show's planner, tackle listener questions on the topic. Lisa defines a tantrum as a loss of emotional control driven by anger and frustration over unmet wants, which she argues is not deliberate bad behavior. She advises parents to ignore tantrums completely by staying present but disengaged, likening the ideal stance to "waiting for a bus." Lisa emphasizes that tantrums should diminish in frequency, duration, and intensity if ignored, typically stopping around age three to three and a half. She makes a critical distinction between tantrums over "wants" and those stemming from unmet "needs" like hunger or tiredness, stating needs must always be met. For public tantrums, Lisa recommends removing the child to a less disruptive location, with the sole exception being on an airplane where she advises giving in to the child's wants to avoid disturbing others. She claims children are "born" to exhibit four behaviors: tantrums, aggression, running away, and climbing. A surprising insight is Lisa's firm stance against hugging a child during a tantrum or its immediate "hangover" phase, framing such requests as a bid for validation, not affection. She stresses that connection must happen *after* the tantrum ends, using a cheerful redirection like, "Do you want to read a book?" Lisa reveals she would prefer a parent give attention throughout *and* after a tantrum rather than ignoring it and then failing to reconnect afterward, calling the latter "taking love away." She argues that consistent post-tantrum connection teaches children they get attention for calm behavior, not for tantrums. Lisa asserts that past age four, children "only do what works," so persistent tantrums indicate an unintentional payoff from the parent. She shares a poignant anecdote about a troubled teenager who felt his parents "didn't love me enough to make me a nice person," linking loving discipline to a child's sense of safety. The tone is direct, instructional, and conversational, blending firm coaching advice with personal anecdotes from Lisa's experience. The style is pragmatic, often reiterating core principles like "ignore the crazy, reward the calm." Parents struggling with toddler tantrums and seeking a no-nonsense, behavior-focused approach would find this episode highly actionable. Listeners who prioritize emotional validation or gentle parenting methods might disagree with the prescribed ignoring technique and choose to skip it.

As heard by us

A blunt, practical take on staying connected while a tantrum plays out.

This episode keeps its focus on tantrums and the awkward, ordinary work of getting through one without making things worse. Lisa Bunnage's advice is plainspoken: ignore the outburst if that is the choice, but come back and reconnect once it is over.

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Why you'd press play

When you need a calmer move in the middle of a tantrum.

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