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Natalie Lue: Finally Stop People Pleasing

·41 min·2 clips

Natalie Lue says people pleasing is about the "why," not the act of helping itself.

1. Simplify features Natalie Lue discussing people pleasing, boundaries, and her book The Joy of Saying No. 2. Caitlin Schiller and Ben Schumann-Soler host the interview, and Lue is the author, writer, and former podcaster behind Baggage Reclaim. 3. The episode asks what people pleasing really is and how saying no can become a way to protect self-respect. 4. Lue says she has written five books and has worked on Baggage Reclaim for almost 18 years. 5. Caitlin quotes lines from the book that show people pleasing as saying yes without the bandwidth, missing things you want, and using hints instead of direct communication. 6. Lue names five styles of people pleasing: gooding, efforting, avoiding, saving, and suffering. 7. She says gooding is driven by being liked and by fear of being seen as bad. 8. She says efforting centers on perfectionism, trying the hardest, and using 150% effort to control outcomes. 9. She says avoiding means trying not to cause discomfort, inconvenience, conflict, or criticism. 10. She says saving and suffering can look helpful or self-sacrificing while still operating as people pleasing. 11. Lue says people pleasing is "a misappropriation of your good qualities." 12. She compares it to trying to "Jedi mind trick" people into thinking, feeling, and acting in ways that earn a reward. 13. She says the difference between ordinary generosity and people pleasing is awareness of why the action is happening. 14. She says hidden contracts and unspoken debts create resentment when things do not go as expected. 15. She gives the example of a breakup, where respecting an ex's request for space matters more than insisting "I just want to talk to you." 16. Lue says boundaries are mutual and must be upheld by your own actions, not only by words. 17. She links people pleasing to childhood roles, saying these strategies often begin as surviving and coping mechanisms. 18. She says body signals like anxiety, guilt, resentment, overload, and forgetfulness can show when someone has gone too far. 19. The tone is conversational and reflective, with Caitlin and Ben repeatedly pushing for concrete examples and plain-language explanations. 20. Listeners who want practical boundary language and self-awareness tools will get the most from it, while people wanting light entertainment may skip it.

As heard by us

People pleasing is treated as a learned survival pattern shaped by praise, family roles, and service.

The conversation treats people pleasing as a survival pattern, not a personality flaw: praise, family roles, and a learned urge to be useful all feed it. Natalie keeps coming back to one uncomfortable point.

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Why you'd press play

If saying no still feels loaded, start here with some context.

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