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Male Suffering Under Patriarchy with Jacob Tobia, Age Is Just A Number, and Fibromyalgia

October 22, 2025·30 min·2 clips

Jacob Tobia argues the only path to freedom from trauma caused by men is to empathize with men — not to be nice but because it's the only explanation for suffering that doesn't conclude the world is inherently evil.

1. Best Gabe Ever hosts Gabe Dunn and Alison Raskin interview Jacob Tobia, nonbinary writer, performer, and bestselling author of Sissy, whose second book Before They Were Men has just been published. 2. Gabe Dunn identifies as bisexual; Alison Raskin opens by discussing being in her third trimester of pregnancy, noting that physical symptoms manifest more through secondary effects like back pain and breast heaviness than visible belly growth. 3. The episode's central argument, supplied by Jacob Tobia, is a feminist reframe: what happens if most men are understood not as beneficiaries of patriarchy but as co-survivors of patriarchal institutions they were coerced into? 4. Tobia describes feeling like Cassandra from Greek mythology — having sold the book two and a half years before publication, they have watched its relevance increase with every passing day without finding that satisfying. 5. Tobia argues there is a direct line between how feminist discourse has talked about men and the political violence and fascism currently spreading across the United States, attributing part of the crisis to language that alienated men from ideas they needed. 6. The term 'toxic masculinity' is identified as a primary site of miscommunication: Tobia argues that a person who hears it once without context will reasonably interpret it as 'all masculinity is toxic,' which implies 'all men are toxic,' causing alienation rather than solidarity. 7. Tobia makes clear this is not an argument for self-flagellation by feminists and queer people, but for strategic course correction — asking not who is to blame but what approach can reduce harm and bring men back toward feminist ideas. 8. Alison Raskin raises the question of whether male hurt at feminist language is sincere or politically cynical, and Tobia responds that while some manosphere leaders are 'actual honest to God snakes,' most ordinary men and boys are genuinely more susceptible to pain than socialization allows them to acknowledge. 9. Tobia describes manhood as an institution — specifically analogizing it to the US military — as a predatory structure that coerces boys into violence, normalizes that violence, and makes false promises about future benefits. 10. The most counterintuitive claim in the episode is Tobia's argument that the only way to find freedom from trauma inflicted by men is to empathize with those men — not out of obligation but because it is the only explanation for suffering that doesn't require believing the world is inherently evil. 11. Gabe Dunn shares firsthand experience of transitioning: as a trans man, they now move through the world with the social invisibility that many men experience — no one approaches them on the street, no one comments on their appearance — and reflects on how that constant experience of invisibility, if lifelong, would produce real loneliness. 12. Tobia argues that feminist discourse about visibility is highly sophisticated when applied to trans people — parsing distinctions between different types of trans representation — but applies a trite assumption to men: that because men are culturally loud right now, the average man or boy must feel seen. 13. The episode references Charlie Kirk's murder as an event that intensified male political radicalization since the first recording of this interview, with Tobia describing a 'rolling boil' going from seven or eight to ten. 14. Tobia expresses frustration that media has not turned to trans people and queer people — who have experience on 'both sides' of gender — as experts on male radicalization and potential solutions. 15. Gabe Dunn draws a parallel between male disillusionment and millennial disillusionment with the American Dream: men were sold a traditional life — Christian wife, banker career, children — that is no longer accessible, and they are trying to reclaim it rather than questioning whether they were sold a bad deal. 16. Tobia reports being 'unpleasantly surprised' by the book's reception on both the men's movement left flank and within feminist and queer circles, describing a sense that people are not looking for solutions when they are frightened, finding it easier to say 'fuck them' than to engage strategically. 17. The interview was partially re-recorded after Jacob Tobia's internet hotspot failed during the initial session, which is acknowledged in the episode with humor. 18. The episode is a conversational interview with significant crosstalk, personal disclosure, and shared cultural references among hosts who know each other well; the format is casual but substantive. 19. Listeners interested in gender politics, trans perspectives on masculinity, feminist strategy debates, or the political psychology of male disengagement from progressive movements will find the conversation directly relevant. 20. Listeners who prefer data-driven policy analysis or who are skeptical of framing political violence primarily through a lens of male psychological suffering may find some arguments underdeveloped.

As heard by us

A candid pregnancy chat that turns into a sharp, funny argument about masculinity and language.

Alison Raskin and Gabe Dunn open on the physical reality of pregnancy: back pain, lower energy, heavy boobs, and the familiar overconfidence that makes a 30-minute workout and a lunch walk sound manageable right up until they are not.

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Why you'd press play

For when pregnancy chatter turns into a blunt, useful argument about masculinity.

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